Why am I here? That’s a good question. I am just here checking out alternative forms of weight reduction, and no, don’t get the wrong idea; I don’t do liposuction. Not me. Not the face on the billboard that promises you results with my 90-day workout video. I promise you will get everything you need by following my videos. These buns of steel, I earned them. I’m just here, you know, so I can relate with my clients.
You ask about the paperwork I am filling out. Well, you see, that is so I can go in and interview the technicians, you know, really understand the art of it. Of course, I have never done liposuction.
You’ve noticed my punch card, well, you see…well, it's not mine, it’s a friend's, you know, the person that has come to my program seeking a natural weight loss method. Why is my name on the loyalty punch card? Good question. I got confused and put my name on my friend’s card. I probably shouldn’t have done it in ink. I will have to find Whiteout and get my name off it.
Of course, everyone in this office knows my name. Who doesn’t? I am on all the billboards and infomercials. I can’t go anywhere without anyone knowing my name.
Please put down your phone. I don’t want a picture with you here, oh never here. Oh, please, stop recording. If you want, I will give you an autographed calendar of me. I can’t have it known I was here, even if it is just for research. The public would never understand.
Your words are so harsh. I am not a scam, really, I am not. It’s just been a hard year. You know, I lost my dog, and my sales crashed. And that piece they did about me in the fitness magazine, saying I was getting a bit fluffy. I promise my results for the last ten years have been legit; I just needed something to sculpt the hard year away. I won’t come in again.
If you delete that video, I will let you stay at my villa for a week. How about a free two-year subscription for my app?
Ten thousand dollars? Whoa, that is steep. You are getting a little greedy here, don’t you think?
Okay, okay, I am sorry. Please, anything. Okay, a week at my villa, a lifetime subscription, and yes, ten thousand dollars.
Thank you, thank you for deleting that video.
Oh, I guess they are calling my name. I gotta go.
Yes, I promise this is the last time.
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Why Am I Here? Good Question.
By Stephanie Daich
